Michael Noer was only half-right about careers and marriage

Michael Noer of Forbes.com in a recent article advised men who wanted a stable marriage not to marry a career woman. Naturally, his position sparked a firestorm of outrage and protests from working women everywhere. But in all the controversy, don't miss a bigger point. Mr. Noer was actually only half-right. Man or woman, husband or wife: A person focused solely on his or her career spells trouble for a marriage.

The "Me" over the "Us"
Marriage, as M and my marriage counselor recently reminded us, is a partnership. To work, it requires following basic rules of teamwork and cooperation. It has to be grounded in values such as mutual trust and self-sacrifice. It necessitates that two people become one mind, one heart, in just about everything that they do.

Our careers, on the other hand, tend to focus on ourselves. We leave home each day for an environment where our own status and worth--financially, socially, psychologically--is typically elevated by those outside our family or marital relationship. When achieving higher and higher levels of status and worth become our focus, the career can easily become the priority. The "me" takes precedence over the "us," and the marriage suffers.

What we give up
Keeping the "us" at the top of the priority list isn't easy. Not long after we were married, M came to me with the new salary scale for her teaching job. "Look at how much I'll be making in a few years when I'm at the top of the guide [for those non-teachers, that means reaching the highest salary level]!" she exclaimed.

Before getting married, M and I had talked about how we would maintain careers and family and mutually decided--I thought--that M would stay home and I would continue working. So not surprisingly, my first thought was, "Who will be taking care of our kids?" But for M, seeing how much a person with her skills and experience would be worth to her school district--a value that M perhaps never imagined achieving--suddenly brought into stark relief how much she would be giving up by our decision.

My turn to give something up came shortly after we had our son. When M had to go back to full-time teaching for a year, we decided that I would approach my employer about working part-time so I could take primary responsibility for managing the household. While the move was arguably risky from a career standpoint, I am fortunate to work for an employer who was gracious enough to grant me the time and then take me back in my old position when M's work obligation ended.

A relatively sane life
Today, M is home full-time, redoing our kitchen, taking our two-year old son to the pool and my preteen stepdaughter clothes shopping. She attacks the household chores with the same intensity and focus that I saw her have creating lesson plans for her students. And a couple weeks ago, we found ourselves with a Saturday afternoon that didn't have to be crammed with running out for birthday gifts or doing the weekly food shopping.

It has, admittedly, been a rocky road getting here. There were no "easy" decisions that didn't produce arguments. But the relatively sane life we're experiencing today probably wouldn't be possible if either M or I had dug in our heels and fought relentlessly for what was best for our own careers and incomes, instead of jointly determining what's best for each other, and for our family.

Self-centeredness isn't a trait exclusive to either sex. Recognizing that quality in yourself, as well as in your choice of a spouse, gives you the best chance of achieving a marriage with long-term harmony and stability.

A surprising way to get better control of your money

Want to get a better handle on your money? Then give some of it away. Regularly.

In my last post on teaching kids about personal finances, I included "giving" as one of the four basic components they should learn about. Sure, generosity is an important trait to cultivate in children. But it's an important concept to apply in our lives as adults as well. Believe it or not, giving away your money can help you better manage it.

Break the hold
Why? Not only because it feels good to help others, or because you can get a tax deduction for gifts to qualified charities.

Regular giving helps break money's grip on our hearts and spirits. Let's face it, we give money a lot of control in our lives. Every major decision we make naturally involves some consideration of the monetary cost to ourselves versus the benefit we'll receive. The result usually dictates our actions.

Giving, by contrast, is very "unnatural." We exchange our money, which represents the sweat of our hard work or what we believe we deserve, for a benefit that may be intangible, or that we may never even see. It gets us in the habit of seeing how our resources can be used for much more than just meeting our own immediate needs and desires, which ultimately are the basis for money's stranglehold.

Monthly reminder
M and I give 10% of our gross income--that's before taxes--to our church. Our monthly tithe is the second-largest bill we have, after our mortgage.

I'll be honest, it isn't always the easiest payment to make, especially since going to one income. But it has changed my perspective. It's a regular reminder that many of life's blessings don't just come from what I own or can buy.

How to (gulp!) start
Here are three tips for using the act of giving to break money's grip:

• Give first. Make gifts the first "bills" that you pay, to avoid basing your decisions on what's left over after meeting your own needs.
• Give consistently. Give a set amount at regular intervals--weekly, monthly, bi-monthly-- to make it a habit.
• Give so it hurts (at least a little). Does the amount of your gift pass the "gulp" test? If you find yourself going "Gulp!", when you think about just how much you're giving away, you're on the right track.

Three tips for teaching your kids about money

School will be starting soon for kids around the country. However, one of the most important life lessons kids need to learn won't be taught in the classroom: how to manage their own money.

As a parent, you have the most impact in shaping your child's money habits. How are you doing so far? If you give yourself a failing grade, you're not alone. According to a 2005 survey by A.G. Edwards referenced in Business Week Online earlier this year, more than half of U.S. parents (56%) have not discussed saving or investing with their children.

If you've skipped out on being your kids' personal finance teacher, there's no better time to start class than now. Here are three tips to help shape your curriculum.

Start young
It depends on the child, but kids who haven't even begun kindergarten yet can begin to understand the basic concepts of money. If your child is nagging you for a couple quarters to buy a toy from the grocery store vending machine, he already knows how money works. Instead of pulling the coins from your pocket each time, get your child a piggy bank and encourage him to make deposits regularly. Then have him take a little money out before you head out shopping.

Think EGSS
Teach the four basic components of money: Earning, Giving, Saving, Spending.

As your kids get a little older, give them some age-appropriate chores or responsibilities around the house to earn pocket money for items as small as candy or chewing gum to as big as CD/DVDs. Instead of just putting their money into a basic piggy bank, though, get them in the habit of splitting their earnings into three "accounts"--for spending, saving, and giving.

The spending account is for their everyday "necessities," like the items mentioned above. The saving account is for bigger items that take a little time to build up the money for, like a video game or skateboard.

The giving account can be used for birthday gifts and the like. But also encourage your kids to think "outside the box" with their giving. Point out that they can also give to their church or to a children's ministry, or even to a friend in need.

Practice what you preach
Of course, the biggest way your kids will learn about how to manage their money is from watching your own habits--good or bad. If financial stress is your standard way of life, you can still teach your kids effective money management skills--just start learning the basics and put the skills into practice in your own life as you teach them. There is no age-limit on financial education.

Financial wisdom for purchasing a car

M and I are pondering the purchase of a van. My '98 Nissan Sentra is making trips to the repair shop a monthly habit. And if our family gets bigger--something we're mulling--then we'll definitely have outgrown her Honda Civic, which serves as the family car.

Our conversations have included whether we should pay for a portion of the van with savings, or keep the savings intact and borrow the money instead. They've also shown me just how emotions can make a big impact on money decisions.

Borrow a third, or all of it?
Through savings, my trade-in, and a possible cash gift from our family, we could pay about $8,000 for the van upfront. I estimate that's about two-thirds of the price for a used, but still reliable, vehicle.

However, M is uncomfortable putting out that much money at once. To her, since we live on just one income, borrowing for the whole purchase and paying $250-$350 a month for five years is more appealing. "It just doesn't seem as big an expense," she said.

Answer isn't clear-cut
From a strictly numbers standpoint, the "right" decision may seem obvious. Paying a portion in cash, I estimate a van will cost around $15,000 total, factoring in interest from the approximately $4000-$5000 we'd have to borrow. Borrowing the entire amount at say, $300/month for five years, would cost $18,000 total.

But spending decisions aren't just about numbers. Perhaps fearful that we'll need the cash for an unexpected expense down the road--which has also crossed my mind--M likes the idea of keeping the money in the bank as added security. We have about two months living expenses saved for emergencies, but our monthly income doesn't allow us to add to it regularly, so it's tempting to just keep as much cash on hand as we can.

Know your emotional blind spots
Think about some of the most recent big purchases you made. How much did fear play a role in your decision to pay for them in cash or credit?

Being wise with your money includes knowing your emotional blind spots and how they affect your spending. If you were in our situation and more cash in the bank for emergencies helped you sleep better at night, then borrowing has a value. However, note that the real spending decision you are then making isn't just whether you can afford a purchase; it's whether the costs and risks of borrowing are worth that added emotional security.

To make the "right" spending decision, crunch the numbers but consider how your heart is influencing how you look at them. How much is fear, desire, frustration, anger or other emotions pushing you in a certain direction?

I'm not sure yet what decision M and I will make (my emotional blind spot is fear as well, which tends to make me drag my feet when it comes to big purchases). But one thing I'm learning--financial wisdom comes from considering both the logical and emotional sides of the coin, not just one or the other.

Follow up on lessons from Disney: Use gift cards

One Disney diehard friend of mine had an interesting suggestion about how to manage the spending money of my stepdaughter and her friend during our recent trip to Disneyworld. Instead of handing out their spending money in cash whenever they needed it, we could have provided them with Disney gift cards.

Convenience, and some control
As I see it, the primary benefits of gift cards are convenience and a medium-level of spending control. Cards are available in the parks in increments as little as $5* and can be used in any Disney gift shop or snack bar. However, they usually can't be used with the park "street vendors" that sell things like ice cream, popcorn, etc., which are more prone to being purchased on impulse and tend to add up quickly.

Perhaps best of all, using gift cards prevents you from having to be your kids' personal ATM with a seemingly unlimited money supply. When their cards run out of cash, so do they.

(*Note: According to unofficial Disney site www.Intercot.com, a $6.95 shipping and handling fee can apply when ordering cards by phone. Also, cards are available in $25 increments if purchased online through www.disney.com.)

A hassle, and possibly faster spending
On the con side, you do have to take time out once in the park to go purchase the cards. That can be a hassle when everyone is anxious to hit the rides as quickly as possible. Also, the cards are essentially the same as cash, so if they are lost or stolen, the money's gone.

Perhaps more of a concern is the inherent tendency to spend more when using a card (whether gift, credit, or debit card) than when using cold, hard cash. It's possible that my stepdaughter and her friend would have spent their money more quickly using a card instead of dollar bills. It's an interesting experiment that would be worth a try on our next trip.

Should I save or pay off debt?

Robin recently emailed me this question about saving for tomorrow versus paying off debt today. I thought others might have the same question:

"Do you know what to do when there is debt to be paid off and the person is adding money to their 401K, i.e., should you back all the way out of the 401K to pay off extensive credit card debt?"

Robin, if your company is matching the amount you putting in to your 401(k), keep making those deposits! That matching amount is "free" money from your employer and you should do whatever you can to keep it coming.

That said, you could contribute just the maximum amount being matched...i.e., if your employer matches $50 for every $100 dollars you put in up to a certain percentage of your salary, like 3% or 4%, put in up to that percentage to make sure you get the full company match. If you are putting in more than the matching percentage...say 5% or 6%...you might consider scaling that back and then allocating that money towards your credit cards.